hi blogosphere.

so ... i just had a thought a couple days ago, as I was feeling sort of weird. by weird i mean moody, indecisive, sad, grumpy, emotional, scattered, potentially pmsing. My thoughts get sort of (a) heavy and (b) there becomes sort of a large volume of them in short spurts of time. Enough so that it gets overwhelming, confusing, and hard to sort through. I wish there was a way to record them all w/o first having to go through the vocal or writing/typing part of things. And I really wish there was a way to do that w/ feelings. My therapist has helped me to understand that it really is a hard thing to convert feelings to words... and I guess I always just thought I was bad at it b/c the people I tend to care about the most and who I really enjoy surrounding myself with tend to be very good at it. It seems to come really naturally for some people - to be able to so accurately and intensely make you understand how they feel.

Anyway. That's sort of related, but sort of a digression.

I recognized that I spent a lot of time chronicling and describing physical therapy, but very little time blogging about my (much more important and impactful) emotional/psychological therapy. I think at first i contemplated pouring my heart out on these pages, b/c I was already doing a lot of writing for myself. But then I got scared and felt like it was too personal. Too raw. Too much for me to put up in a public accessible place. Even though I don't think anybody is reading my blog, it's still out there. And I was afraid to let everyone know how I feel. That has definitely been a long-standing fear of mine. I really appreciate and respect the people in this world who have the courage to say how they feel - no matter what other people will think, no matter how scary it is to say it.

Having said that, I think about where I am now and who I want to be. The person I want to be is not afraid. She is bold and courageous... and it's not that she "doesn't care what you think" ... it's just that she doesn't allow her fear of how you'll respond dictate how she feels and what she says. She doesn't let herself stay in a place where she worries about and tries to figure out how you're going to react, because she knows that she can't control that. What she can control is how to describe her own experience, motivations, and feelings. And what she can try and figure out is how she wants to feel, regardless of what happens. And she likes talking about herself in the third person. That person is who I've set myself on a course to meet, and I am that person in the making right now. And that is an awesome thing that I am thankful for, despite the hardness of everything that set me on this path, and despite regrets I have for the things I did in getting here.